


Luther Joins an MLM

by eckarius



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, DaD sEnT mE tO tHe MoOn, F/M, but what’s new?, doterra, five hates his goddamn family, klaus is gay and grieving, luther loves two things: his own sister and essential oils, no one is listening to vanya, not in my good christian minecraft server, the apocalypse is coming we need lavender essential oil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-31 07:49:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18586918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eckarius/pseuds/eckarius
Summary: exactly what it says on the tin. this massive space gorilla joins an mlm and tries to get his family in on it. what happens next may shock you.





	Luther Joins an MLM

“Family meeting, everyone!” Luther yells up and down the halls of the manor, banging his massive gorilla fist on the walls.

Upstairs he hears echoing groans, a yawn, and “goddammit!” exclaimed by more than one of his siblings. Footsteps click down the stairwells, and one-by-one, the Hargreeves siblings pour through the foyer and into the living room. They all sit down on the sofas and chairs, or in Klaus’s case, lounge across them.

Five is the last in the living room, tailing Luther and sitting down in a chair, folding his legs up crisscross, kindergarten-style. He sets his hands in his lap and frowns at the lack of coffee in his grasp. Anything to get through another banal family meeting. He’d tolerate gas station coffee, so long as it was the black bean water he knew and loved.

“So, you may be wondering why I called a family meeting today.” Luther stands before his siblings, all expressing variations of the same “just get through with it, I have better places to be, Space Boy” look.

“What’s going on?” Allison chimes in, just to keep Luther from standing there silently, waiting for the right time to continue talking. She rests her cheek on her hand, her eyes drifting over him, towhich Luther does the same. Diego becomes immensely unsettled by their mutual stares and clears his throat, putting the train that was this meeting back on course.

Luther nods, regaining his composure. For some odd reason, the rest of their siblings still weren’t comfortable with their budding relationship. He put up with Five practically being married to half of a store mannequin and Klaus reminiscing on a man he briefly dated about twenty years before he was born, but they wouldn’t give him the same courtesy. It was just plain rude, is what it was.

“So, as you all know, I haven’t had a purpose in life since Dad died. And to be fair, most of you didn’t have a purpose leading up to that point, and have even less of a reason to live right now. I think I found the best possible course of action for us as a family—I started my own business!” Luther smiles proudly, and he’s shot confused looks from all of his siblings. He can even feel Ben’s presence raising an inquiring eyebrow.

Really, however, he’s leaning over the back of the couch and whispering to Klaus. “He bought a bunch of essential oils from DoTerra, Luther joined an MLM.” However, Klaus isn’t listening. He waves his hand through Ben’s mouth, hushing him as to say “let the man speak.”

“It’s called DoTerra.” Luther brings out a cardboard case of small bottles, each labeled with either a food, herb, flower, or simply a word that feasibly wouldn’t have a smell. “And I would be happy if all of you joined. Five, I’ll pull some strings for you. They’re really picky about minors, but I’m sure I can convince my higher-ups.”

“Higher-ups? I thought you said you started your own business.” Vanya, who knew a thing or two about self-employment, furrowed her eyebrows.

Luther picks some of the oils out of the case, handing one to each of his siblings. Bergamot for Klaus (and, in turn, Ben, as he wasn’t handed anything), clary sage for Vanya, clove for Diego, geranium for Allison, and lemongrass for Five (who couldn’t decide whether to leave it on the coffee table or take it out to the dumpster and chuck it in as soon as possible). He takes out a few sheets of paper, and begins reading off his reasoning for giving each of them those oils.

“So, do I drink it?” Klaus turns the bottle over in his hand, watching the oil slosh around. He tries to twist it open, but fails.

“No!” Luther rushes over, taking the bottle from Klaus. “I-I mean, we don’t recommend that for most of the oils. You can do whatever you want with them, but I’m not saying you should.”

“You _just_ told me I can drink this to relieve tense muscles.” Diego has his opened, and he sniffs the oil, grimacing at how strong it is. “Don’t think I would, though. This smells like shit.”

“Who’s ‘we?’” Vanya asks, yet Luther still chooses to ignore her.

Luther crosses his arms over his massive barrel chest, huffing. “Look, if you don’t want to make a six-figure salary and be your own boss, fine by me, but you’re missing out on a massive opportunity.”

“Six-figure salary?” Klaus perks up, yet his excitement is immediately dispelled by Ben.

“You’ll go broke buying stock, and no one is going to buy from you.” He folds his arms over each other, resting his chin on top of them. Klaus melts back into the couch.

“Are these things safe for kids? I bet Claire would love these.” Allison gets up, thumbing through the other oils in Luther’s case. He watches her pick up a lemon, and a lavender.

“Kids love these things. Plus, if she can tell he friends at school about DoTerra, you can bring their moms and dads into your downline.” He rests an arm over her, his massive hand way too close to copping a feel for anyone’s comfort.

“Downline?” Diego turns to Vanya, who looks deep in thought. He looks over to Five, who looks like he figured out what’s going on a while ago. “What does he mean?”

Five glances at Diego, then back to the space monkey trying to rope them into his scheme. He wants the rest of his siblings to at least get an idea of what’s happening first, so they feel a bit smart while he decimates Luther.

“A downline is a group of people that you recruited into DoTerra. You get a portion of their sales, and you make more money the more people you have beneath you.” He explains, still watching Allison read the bottles.

“So you were going to recruit us so you got our sales, and you’d get rich?” Vanya looks at him, trying to make eye contact, but he still ignores her.

“Wait, hold up a minute.” Diego stands up, a grimace on his face. “You were going to recruit us, so we’d be beneath you, so you’d get our sales and you’d get rich?”

Vanya hunches over herself. “I said that,” she murmurs.

Luther takes his hands off of Allison, raising them in surrender. “No, not at all.”

“That’s exactly what you’re saying!” Five glares, bunching his small hands into fists. “‘Be your own boss,’ my ass!”

“Good one, little Five,” Klaus giggles, holding his stomach.

Allison sets the oils down, a look of hurt on her face. “You were just going to let us go broke so you could live off of us? You were going to exploit us?”

Luther shakes his head. “No! My recruiter said I should bring you guys into it, I was trying to get us all involved so we could afford to keep living here.” He gestures at the house.

“No offense, but this place is a dump.” Diego settles. “Just get an apartment, man. You’re the only one of us who hasn’t grown up.”

Luther goes quiet, and so does the rest of the room. Besides Klaus, who laughs hysterically. “He’s calling you a man child! He actually said it to your face!”

Klaus is rolling around on the couch, writhing like a madman, all while Diego moves over to him and hits him with the handle of one of his knives. _Now_ the room is silent.

“You can sell these oils all you want, but we aren’t going to join your downline just so you can keep the house.” Vanya looks at the living room, only remembering how much she hates this place.

“Yeah, I’m out.” Diego leaves, sheathing his knife and walking out the front of the house.

“Me too,” Vanya shuffles many strides after him, fishing through her pockets in hopes of finding her keys. Maybe she’ll call Leonard for a ride.

“The world ends in two days and you only care about selling oils. You should have just stayed on the moon.” Five stomps out, making his way to Griddle’s.

Klaus says nothing and continues lying on the sofa. He might wake up before the world ends. He might also be dead, Luther can’t tell.

But, the real crushing blow is Allison walking out without even saying anything. She pulls her phone out and looks at flights back home.

Luther is left to pick up discarded bottles of essential oil, all alone. Sure, Ben would help, but even if he was corporeal, he didn’t want to.

And if that isn’t the perfect lead-up to the apocalypse, what is?


End file.
